Embarrassed – A Broken Soul

Embarrassed – A Broken Soul

I am an embarrassed broken soul once saved from eternal damnation. Over thirty years ago I heard about Jesus Christ as being the Son of God. I wanted some proof He was real. I asked Him to show me something, He did! Since then, if I had a buck for every time I professed His name… I would be a rich man!

My life was filled with awe and joy. There is life after death! When my body expires I’m going to a realm called, “Paradise” where God’s pure love and peace reside. Jesus promised! According to His Word, there will be a special dwelling place prepared for me. Jesus also talked a lot about a place called hell. I don’t have to be concerned for my soul going to this place described as having no visibility (pure darkness) and filled with wailing and gnashing teeth. A place of torment prepared only for the devil, his minions, and whoever has heard the gospel then rejecting Jesus as Savior. A place separated from the glorious illuminating light and love of God. How wonderful eternity will be for the believer in Jesus!

I Am A New Creation

I am a new creation according to the Holy Bible. When recalling my experience, the moment I received the Spirit of God I became a new creation the old me passed away. In reading His word I was supposed to be transformed by the renewing of my mind. In other words, turn away from evil and live Holy. His command was to love my neighbor like me, and love God. This new belief had really changed my direction and who I was. The rest of my life should imitate Jesus’ love for all people. 

Truly, through the years, I gave what I could to express love towards others and God, but, as I think back, I never really lived up to those expectations. Instead, my desires for the flesh brought on great conflict. While I professed my allegiance to Jesus, on the contrary, I hypocritically still lived for me. How could I love others and God while entertaining sin?

Living In Opposition To What I Confessed

Living in opposition to what I confessed to believing caused me great pain. For instance, when something sinfully pleasurable from my past presented itself I would try to fight and say no to it but the clash always ended up with me giving in to it anyway. The weakness in my flesh couldn’t refuse the temptation or yield to the leading of the Holy Spirit either. Therefore, how could I continue in this conflict if I am a new man?

Jesus says, “what does it profit a man to gain the whole world, yet lose his soul? So, why would I even consider entertaining worldly pleasures when all it does is separate me from God and leave me with an emptiness filled with misery.

I¬†certainly continually praised¬†God for sending His Son to pay for my sinful nature. But every time a thought pops up in my head I know is of something that goes against what scripture says, and is a sin, especially when that temptation overtakes me then pretend I enjoy it, I’m reminded of how much torcher Jesus suffered to save me. For me, trying to live in this world and not sin is like putting a kid in a candy store and telling him not to touch or eat any of it while no one is around. Remind you of anything? You know, the yummy fruit tree in the garden! Yet, I hypocritically indulge in sinful acts. The problem shaking this insidious iniquitous behavior isn’t that the evil one’s cunningness, who frequently dangles a hint of something sinfully desirable around every corner, is making me entertain in it, it’s my weak flesh and rebellion towards God. Scripture says there is a way out of temptation… His word! Flee! Run!

Thirty-some years later, though I believe with all my heart Jesus has saved me, I am now filled with such a burden that every waking day I can hardly function.

I Have Failed The Mission

I have failed the mission that Jesus commanded. My understanding of scripture was to spread the good news (gospel) about God’s love for people and what Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross did for all mankind. That is what I had done all those years in my mind. But, basically, when I look back it was by my strength and head knowledge of what Jesus said about Hell not His Love for people! I realize now I didn’t get that point across and mishandled the most important aspect of His word. I also have been anything but obedient and failed Jesus by not pursuing His mission. It is to pick up my cross and deny myself daily, make disciples, meet in the congregation to worship Him, and be united in love with His body of believers.

Over those many years, I became an Island. It wasn’t my thing to join a group, let alone be sandwiched in a building, raising my hands to worship God. In my thoughts, it was ok to do it in my own space. I very much wanted to be like everyone and do that because a Holy God certainly deserves the highest respect and honor. This self-centered sort of claustrophobia thing going on in my head was/is something I never wanted to deal with. For lack of confidence, me talking with people (or hugging) in groups was just too difficult. I always struggled with words to say and even the words I did say always seem to come out sounding stupid in my view. I hated being or saying anything that made me look unintelligent. All the times I went to church there was this constant, if you will, nagging sense of self-awareness. I really couldn’t wait to get through the sermon then get out and go home.

My problem was and is to this day, being very uncomfortable and anxious when closely-knit next to someone in a building lifting my hands during worship. Why couldn’t I be like others that had such love and honor for the Lord, singing and lifting hands to Him with no regard to how loud the music was or who is watching? Do I not consider God enough to do that? Why would I care if someone saw me do it? Wouldn’t that show others my love and respect for the awesome Creator He Is? How sad I am. Yup! I know…pride! So pathetic.

How Living In Sin Destroys Life

How Living In Sin Destroys Life. There are three distinct desires that are in conflict with God. The lust of the eyes, the lust of the flesh, and the pride of life. Since the spirit and flesh continually butt heads and the love of the world is enmity towards God we must choose who we will serve. For so many years I have had one foot in the kingdom and the other in the world. This is by far the hardest and longest battle I have ever encountered, possibly for anyone dealing with the flesh and following Jesus for that matter.

I have succumbed to sinful living due to worldly desires which empower the flesh while diminishing and grieving the Holy Spirit, ultimately leading to death. By all means, I wish I would have listened to that persistent loud gong going off in my brain that always reminded me, “I’m about to ignore the conviction a sinful act is going to occur, you’re consenting to death.”

There seems to be this consistent bomb-barding of negative attacks ping-ponging through my mind from such stupid decisions made that lead me in predicaments I never would have expected and never cease to stop. So the way to justify my dumb actions would, in return, be to give in to the temptation of something sinfully pleasurable. I would flat-out punish myself for disobeying God! That was payback for me! How utterly absurd!

As of now, this strong external body is wasting away from disease, age, and an undisciplined lifestyle. I suppose one might compare my downfall to that of a mighty fortress assumed to be built on solid ground. But actually, lying just beneath the surface is loose wet gravel. So over many many years of the earth’s slight shifting, suddenly, it quakes with a mighty jolt! That ground quickly turns into liquefication diminishing anything standing to a mere pile of rubble.

Is Repentance Still Available

Is repentance still available for me? Where is the renewing of my mind? Where is the sacrifice? Is it possible to remove this evil kind of thinking! It just isn’t that easy as turning on and off the light switch if you will. No, the answer is supposed to be to resist the devil and he will flee. But, that somehow, in my thinking, isn’t my issue. I believe my problem is, me! He is weak and can’t resist what he wants. He gives into that pride of life, that lust of the eyes, and that lust of the flesh! Sin! Just plain old Rebellion! Can’t or should I say, not willing or wanting to accept change which affects my comfort zone.

The end results can only show others that a stubborn one-track mind is only cognizant of self-want. Not at all Christ-like! That is hard to break! If only there was such a thing as an instant reversal pill that could stop this eroding of my soul. Sigh… repentance! At this point, as hard as I try, this challenge to change old re-occurring habits has just about exhausted me. I can’t do it on my own anyway. In all honesty, the energy and confidence to reach out to someone for a chat are just a bit too embarrassing…so I keep to myself.

Yes, I know what the Bible says! Been studying through it for over thirty years. Walking with God at times was so wonderful, but then the evil that lives in me always slips back into the crap of the world. I know it’s up to God to decide where my fate ends.

I used to believe with all my heart, by faith, Jesus saved me and I would always be saved. Now that belief is causing me great concern. I am so torn down from all of the negativity filling my head to the point of fearing, if what little faith I do have there’s a possible chance of being allowed into heaven, but as someone having gone through fire with no reward!


Retired handy dude. Jack of all kinds of trade, master of none! Love to play piano and build websites. Disciple of Jesus Christ my Lord & Savior.